Hal Fox
Editor’s Note: This story is one of a series of stories written by The Daily Mississippian staff in celebration of April Fool’s day.
In an unprecedented show of force and coordination, all 16 fraternities in the Interfraternal Council at the University of Mississippi banded together to annex the Grove and form the Democratic Pledges’ Republic of Kegsylvania on Sunday, March 31.
Sporting the banners of their individual fraternities, the Pledges’ Army stormed the Grove and in short order erected the DPRK’s flag in a location visible across campus.
Coming off of a week-long bender and very hungover, separatist leaders quickly realized the necessity for an underclass to set up a tent wall around the perimeter of the Grove, and so all current freshman members have been demoted to pledges until the start of the 2024-2025 school year.
While the Coors Congress has yet to hold an election to determine the President of the Beerocracy, several factions have already emerged in the nascent country.
Michael Scrungus, a peasant-pledge under the lordship of the Sigma Nu Fraternity, plans to vote for Sigma Alpha Epsilon member Scranton McFligg, a sixth-year senior and interim Dictator of Interfraternal Harmony.
“He politically rizzed me up. McFligg is a beast of an animal, and I respect that, so I don’t even mind toiling on the land in place of paying dues,” Scrungus said.
Pledges must receive written permission to leave the Grove, usually for beer runs or to buy Polo shirts in bulk.
“It’s quite nice actually,” Scrungus said. “I don’t have to worry about going to online geology class anymore, and the frat lords always make sure I have enough pimiento cheese to get me through the week.”
McFligg is far from the only candidate in contention for the presidency.
Junior Flint Carkeys, Supreme Baron of Business Majors and a member of the Delta Psi Fraternity, promised voters that he would make them all millionaires if elected.
“It’s all about networking,” Carkeys announced on the Grove Stage to a sea of khaki pants. “I’m gonna… uh… make the networking bigger.”
He was met with thunderous applause.
The DPRK’s Declaration of Fratdependence includes a list of demands directed at the University of Mississippi and Oxford locals. They are as follows:
1. Universal Pledge Care.
2. That Grove squirrels be outfitted with tiny blazers and ties.
3. The dissolution of publicly available stadium seating for non-Greek students.
4. The construction of a separate lane on Jackson Avenue reserved for lifted trucks.
5. That the weekly print publications of UM’s student-run newspaper, The Daily Missisisppian, be replaced with screenshots of the university’s YikYak feed.
Chancellor Glenn Boyce declined to comment on the developing situation.
New reports are coming in that hundreds of UM sorority members are storming the Square, and Miss Behavin has fallen.
